“Did you see him? He took him down in one blow!”
“Did you know she already has a boyfriend?”
“He’s not afraid of anyone. He’s the real boss in our gang!”
Such conversations are things we can hear among today’s children and adolescents. For one child, putting others down in conversation may seem cool. For another, it may be in fighting. For some, having a boyfriend or girlfriend may seem to raise their status. For others, expensive things, clothing, appearance, or the praise they receive on social media may feel like something to be proud of.
But how do these signs of pride appear in children? What teaches them such ideas? Why do they think that others will respect them only if they behave in a certain way? It is important to understand these things.
Who creates this understanding?
Children do not form their understanding of themselves on their own. They learn from many things: the way adults speak at home, the way friends behave at school, movies, and social media.
For example, let’s say a student at school hits another student. The friends around them praise him, saying, “Awesome! Don’t be afraid of anyone!”
That praise gives him happiness and a kind of recognition. The next time a problem arises, he may choose the same kind of behavior to prove himself. Rather than whether that act is right or wrong, the recognition he received from his friends through it may seem more important to him.
Children learn behaviors by watching what others do and by observing the praise and reactions a behavior receives.
There may be a similar effect on social media as well. When children see that scenes of speaking aggressively, insulting others, and fighting receive more views and praise, they may think that such behaviors are what make someone stand out.
In films, scenes of the hero speaking angrily or beating up enemies are sometimes portrayed as signs of bravery. When children watch those scenes, they may fail to understand the difference between courage and violence.
A boy should be like this; a girl should be like this!
When talking about children’s understanding of ‘coolness,’ we also need to pay attention to gender-based social expectations.
If a boy cries, people still say in many places, “Why are you crying like a girl?” If he shows fear, they say, “Why are you so scared when you’re a boy?” Through this, boys may learn that they should not express feelings like fear, sadness, or pain, and that they must always be brave and dominant.
On the other hand, if a girl child expresses her opinion boldly, interacts freely with friends, or wants to wear the clothes she likes, criticism may arise about her. Advice such as “A girl should be a little modest” and “You shouldn’t speak so boldly” can restrict her natural expression.
Growing up this way, a boy child may learn to hide his feelings, and a girl child may learn to set aside her own preferences. They may develop the idea that, in order to be respected in society, they must behave in a certain way.
But a boy being emotional is not a weakness. A girl expressing her opinion firmly is not wrong either. Both genders have equal rights to express their feelings, make their own decisions, and respect others.
Do you want to be everyone’s favorite child?
A child may always want to be the one everyone likes. They may try to get good grades in class, get along with friends, meet their parents’ expectations, and behave and look in ways that others accept. But at some point, they are unable to meet those expectations.
If they get low marks in an exam, they may think they have failed. If their friends do not accept them, they may believe there is something wrong with them.
A child may feel inferior, thinking they are not as beautiful, talented, or popular as others. When they are unable to meet their parents’ expectations, they may feel guilty for disappointing them.
What matters here is whether a child sees their own worth based on their own qualities and abilities, or based on what others think of them.
A child who is constantly under pressure to gain others’ approval may begin to hide their own preferences and feelings.
Some children take even small incidents very seriously. If a friend walks away without speaking, they may think, “Nobody likes me.” Even a small criticism can lead them to a completely negative conclusion about themselves. Every child expresses emotions differently. So, an incident that seems minor to adults may actually cause a child a great deal of emotional distress.
If this emotional distress continues to increase and is accompanied by feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, and self-hatred, it can affect the child’s mental health. In some severe situations, suicidal thoughts may also arise.
Suicidal thoughts cannot be linked to just one incident or one cause. Various psychological, family, and social factors may be interconnected.
Therefore, if a child expresses hopelessness about their life or talks about suicide, it should not be taken merely as an expression of anger or an attempt to seek attention. Immediate safety and appropriate mental health support should be ensured.
What happens to the understanding formed in childhood when one grows up?
It cannot be said that all the thoughts formed in childhood continue unchanged into adulthood. However, repeated praise, criticism, and social expectations can affect a person’s self-esteem, relationships, and behavior.
For example, a boy who repeatedly hears that expressing anger is a sign of masculinity may, as an adult, think it is normal to speak angrily to his partner or try to control them.
Likewise, if a girl is raised from childhood to always give in and set aside her own wishes for the sake of family peace, she may hesitate to express her needs in relationships even after growing up.
A person who believes that they are valuable only if they receive others’ approval may, even as an adult, make decisions based on what others will think. Rather than focusing on what they truly want, they may give importance to behaving in a way that society accepts.
There is a difference between swagger and self-confidence!
Speaking up for oneself, opposing wrong things, protecting one’s own boundaries, and trying again even after failure are expressions of self-confidence. But frightening others, hitting them, humiliating them, or controlling them is not self-confidence.
When a child tells their friends, “I don’t like it; I won’t do this,” that is courage. When all the friends are doing something, realizing it is wrong and choosing not to join in is also courage. Likewise, if you make a mistake, admitting it and apologizing is not weakness.
Having a boyfriend or girlfriend does not determine a person’s worth. Owning expensive things or having a certain appearance does not define one’s uniqueness. More than these, what matters is how a person values themselves and others.
Let’s also pay attention to what we praise!
Instead of stopping at telling children, “You shouldn’t behave like that,” we should also talk with them about which behaviors are truly worthy of praise.
We can praise a child when they express their feelings instead of hitting others, even when they are angry. We can also praise them when they step away instead of joining in when friends are doing something wrong.
Actions such as respecting others’ opinions, admitting mistakes, asking for help, and accepting failure should also be acknowledged.
To understand what children take pride in, it is essential to talk with them. Simple questions like, “Who do you like?”, “Why do you like them?”, and “What would your friends praise you for if you did it?” can help us understand their world. It is also important not to judge immediately when listening to what they say.
The world of children is changing. In their eyes, the signs of what it means to be “cool” are changing too. But we need to think about how those signs may affect their self-worth, future personality, and relationships.
Is being intimidating to others what makes someone cool? Is being everyone’s favorite child success? Or is the real coolness living without losing one’s identity for anyone’s approval, while also respecting others?
More to come...
Contact: silviaise2021@gmail.com
Edited by Shalini