A Plus 2 student. She has a close group of friends at school. They talk about many things, such as class, movies, family, and the future. In particular, they often have conversations about who likes whom, who is in love with whom, and what they want their life partner to be like in the future.
She also has feelings of attraction. She has felt attracted to both a woman and a man. But she doesn’t know how to share this with her friends. Will they understand? Will they make fun of her? Will they misunderstand her feelings? Questions like these arise within her. So even when she is with her group of friends, she mostly remains quiet in those conversations.
Her silence may be understood by her friends as shyness, lack of confidence, or disinterest in talking about love. But behind her silence lies a different experience.
“I feel shy even telling a friend about someone I like. So why should only teenagers who have confusions or questions about gender or sexual orientation be singled out?”
In fact, during adolescence, many experiences are common: liking someone, developing romantic feelings, and sharing them with friends. It is also natural for someone to feel hesitant about talking about their attraction. But not all hesitation arises from the same reason. It is by understanding this difference that we can understand the experiences behind the silence of some teenagers.
Loneliness Amid Friends
Just because everyone in a group of friends shares their experiences does not mean that each person there is able to express themselves fully. Some people, even when surrounded by friends, may be unable to talk about an important experience in their lives.
It cannot be said that such silence occurs only in experiences related to gender identity or sexual orientation. Adolescents may hide certain things within themselves for many reasons, such as family environment, economic status, physical appearance, social background, and personal experiences. However, sharing experiences that are unfamiliar to most people in society or that lie outside conventional understandings may be an additional challenge for some.
For example, a student who is attracted to someone of the opposite sex may hesitate to tell friends about the person they like, fearing rejection. At the same time, someone who realizes that their sexual orientation is different may fear that if they share their attraction, they will be mocked, that their identity itself will be questioned, that they may lose friendships, or that this matter may be revealed to others without their consent.
Both are hesitant. But the social circumstances that create that hesitation are not the same. Understanding this difference can help us avoid belittling one person’s experience by comparing it with another’s.
Whose experience is the basis for what we consider normal?
From an anthropological and sociological perspective, the language and spaces people use to express their feelings are not determined solely by personal preferences. The beliefs of the society they live in, cultural expectations, family structures, and gender roles also play an important role in this.
Expectations about how boys and girls should behave at a certain age, whom it is natural to like, and whom they should marry in the future have already been created in society. These are often passed on to the next generation without being questioned.
As a result, the experiences of the majority are spoken of as normal in families, schools, and the media. But experiences that differ from these are often left unspoken or not understood.
Just as someone from one social background may not immediately understand the experience of someone from another social background, different experiences related to gender and sexual orientation are not automatically understood by everyone. It is essential to listen with an open mind and make an effort to learn.
Gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same!
It is important to clearly understand two concepts here. Gender Identity refers to the gender with which a person identifies. Sexual Orientation refers to the gender or genders toward whom a person feels romantic or sexual attraction.
There are various sexual orientations, such as those who are attracted to the opposite sex, those who are attracted to the same sex, and those who are attracted to more than one gender. Bisexuality is one of them. Likewise, there are also people who do not identify themselves only within the binary categories of male or female.
Some teenagers may be in the process of trying to understand their feelings. They do not need to choose a label or identity right away. But we often dismiss their questions by saying, “It’s just a phase,” “It’s just confusion,” or “It will sort itself out when they grow up a bit.”
It is important to give a person the time and space they need to understand their feelings. Just because they have not yet gained clarity about themselves does not mean their experience is false or temporary.
Differences in imagining the future
During adolescence, many people imagine their future relationships. They may have many dreams, such as talking to someone, going out, expressing love, and introducing them to their family.
This does not mean that people with different experiences in terms of gender or sexual orientation cannot imagine love or future relationships. They too may have the same feelings and dreams. However, some also have to face additional questions, such as whether they can share those dreams with others, whether their family will accept them, and whether they can openly introduce their partner.
Continuously having to anticipate others’ reactions in this way can also affect the freedom to express one’s assumptions about relationships. This is not a problem caused by one’s identity; it is a burden created by the social expectations and lack of acceptance surrounding that identity.
Relationships that try to understand are needed
In this situation, the family, school, and friends all have a responsibility. When someone shares their feelings, we can avoid immediately giving advice or testing them with questions. Responses like “Why do you feel this way?”, “You’re too young to understand this,” or “This is just a phase” may only make them more withdrawn.
Instead, asking, “Would you feel comfortable talking to me about this?” can be a good way to begin a safe conversation. It is also important not to share what they tell you with others without their permission.
Sex education in schools should not stop with information about bodily changes and reproduction. Age-appropriate discussions should also cover gender identity, sexual orientation, personal boundaries, consent, respect, and non-discrimination.
Such conversations prepare not only students with different experiences, but everyone, to interact with understanding.
Every adolescent does not have to have the same experiences. What we need to understand their feelings and identities is not immediate answers to every question, but a willingness to listen without judgment.
We see the silence of teenagers. But do we look at the reasons behind that silence?
The reason some feelings remain unspoken is not that those who feel them have no words; it is that we do not have enough space to hear and understand them. It is in creating that space that a child has the chance to grow safely with their feelings, without hiding themselves.
Let’s keep talking...
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